We are delighted to introduce a guest post by Stephanie Williamson. Stephanie is a hugely talented family, wedding and fashion photographer and a hilariously funny mother of five. We hope you enjoy her craic-er of a post!
I love social media and like most people on this planet, I am a totally addicted hypocrite. I endlessly chastise my teenagers about their screen time while making bids for kitchen appliances on eBay (but I’m a mum and I’m bidding for their benefit). However, I do have a few areas of concern about the world today, so rather than stop using plastic or going to the beach for a litter clean up, I am going to do what I do best and whine from the comfort of my nice, warm, oil-fired home…
I will start with Facebook and my pet hates…posts.
I have been married for a long time, and every night is date night (NOT). DATE NIGHT?…. My arse. Why would you go out on a ‘date’ with the man/woman/sheep you “live” with? And what’s worse is when you post it on social media. Normal people stay at home and fight over the remote control. You are making us look bad. Follow this up by commenting; “me and hubby all loved up watching (insert some soppy film that ‘hubby’ is only watching so he can go drinking with his mates later)“. Then to make matters worse, you start commenting to each other on Facebook; “Love you babe”, “Love you more hon”. You’re sitting right beside him you half-wit, why are you putting the comments on Facebook? This shall be followed by all the other couples (sitting at home STILL fighting over the remote control) putting up comments such as “lovebirds”, “so jealous”, “you both look amazing” while they put down the remote control and agree on the fact that you both look like total twats and you’re sure Sharon from the hairdressers said “your woman was having a fling with someone at the cinema”.
GUILTY?: Hell no! If I publicly declared my love for my husband, I would be beaten by my teenagers and accused of all sorts by my husband.
How Wonderful Your Kids Are
This is pretty similar to date night, essentially what you are telling me is what I already know….. I am a shite parent because my child cannot swim/play football/golf or play the harmonica like your son. My retaliation to this is simple – your son may well be Ireland’s next harmonica-playing Olympic swimmer, but if he comes round to our house he will see bare-knuckle fighting on a world champion level, he shall witness untidiness that is world-class and an abundance of half started sports kits that would keep eBay in business for 10 years. Yeah Jimmy Joe, suck on that one!
GUILTY?: Guilty as charged. Everything from the first day at school to cycling proficiency, it’s plastered everywhere. I have no shame.
What the f**k else are they gonna do? Like seriously? That’s like saying ‘builders gonna build’, ‘painters gonna paint’ and ‘whiners (like me) are gonna rip the piss out of you forever’. This is just asking people to dislike you. You are NOT a Kardashian and the chances are, most people won’t give a flying f**k what you are doing, so move on.
GUILTY?: NO, just no. That is the first time I have EVER typed those words (but I kinda liked it, so prepare yourself for more and a possible bum implant!).
Nothing else. If no one comments within 5 minutes further posts are added – “Some people”. This is followed by comments such as “you alright babe?”. Too late, you’re hooked. The author shall then comment on the comment – “PMed you”. There are now two people leaving cryptic clues like “Sure, we knew what she was like”, “everyone says that about her” and although you have no idea who this person is or why she is even your friend, you are going to spend the next few hours convinced that she is talking about you and wracking your brain to see if you have ever spoken to her or even passed her in Tescos.
GUILTY?: What can I say? I get totally addicted and paranoid. I will even go back a few days later to see if there are any more cryptic clues. The gossip mill does not stop for Facebook.
“Checking In” To A Hospital
I know it’s boring and I know you are sitting on Facebook reading about Aunty Betty’s bunion, but please try to refrain from “checking in”. Chances are, you are only there to have your haemorrhoids checked, so like your haemorrhoids, let’s just try and ‘keep it in’. Cryptic clues such as “more tests needed” say more about your mental state than the state of your arse. The people who love you most know where you are, the rest of us? Well, we just don’t give a shit (pardon the pun).
Selfies are a no-no and putting gas masks on for effect is just hankering for a slap. If you feel you must comment on these posts please put something along the lines of “I hope they know which end the shit is coming out of”, “My aunt was there last week, went in for an ingrown toenail and they cut off her leg by mistake… Good luck mate”. If there are selfies with doctors or any medical professionals, these should be followed with “I knew I recognised that face, he’s Harold Shipman’s son”.
GUILTY?: Hell yes and proud. My son once had a run-in with a quad and a wall which resulted in the coolest Nike-tick-looking scar EVER, and yes, of course, we all gathered around and got a selfie, and yes it was life-threatening, and yes he is lucky to still have his leg attached (although the photos would have been so much cooler).
“Just Seen A Teenager In A Hoodie Acting Suspiciously In The Park”
Do you even know what a teenager is? Of course they are acting suspiciously, they don’t know how else to act!
Chances are they are acting suspiciously because they are terrified that you might discover they have parents……and spots. These creatures are guilty of many, many things- giving endless shit to their parents, having rooms that could create global warming, not knowing night from day, smoking weed – but the chances of them mugging you are pretty slim. You are a) too old b) don’t smell like weed c) don’t look like anyone from grand theft auto. So fear not, they haven’t even seen you, let alone contemplated mugging you.
GUILTY?: Yep, still do it, even though I have four in the house that look ready to pounce (but I know they won’t, because they are all too bloody lazy!).
The Facebook group that gives everyone an opinion and instantly turns every man out walking alone into either a pervert, robber or even worse, a drug dealer. This is the wonder of all rumour mills and makes every reader paranoid. Was that my child/husband/dog that was seen shitting/throwing stones/eyeing up the barmaid? (in no particular order of course). This group elaborates on everything from the coffee morning that was selling drugs, to the poor soul who was innocently watching his child enter the playground and was obviously partaking in the worst crime ever – “watching children”.
GUILTY?: I am a self-confessed addict. I just love watching the drama unfold (way too much of a chicken shit to comment though).
Taking Photos Of Food
Do you know its getting cold? Do you know I don’t give a shite what you are about to eat? And stop trying to tell me that you’re gluten-free. I’ve seen you coming out of the chippy block on Saturday night with your sausage supper. So going super-vegan-gluten-free-from-all-things-crap is just not working. I don’t care and I am sure the rest of the world can survive without knowing.
If you see someone doing this, please feel free to photobomb, stick your finger in their food (yes, the middle one), or if they are really arrogant, just shove their face in it. Trust me you are doing the world a favour.
GUILTY?: Have you seen the size of me? I’m way too busy shoving my face to even contemplate photographing it!